Building Community: Navigating Conflicts

Community can be defined as a unified body of individuals — individuals who possess similar interests or seek to achieve a shared goal or vision. Not just what one experiences within a particular group or place, community takes place wherever people with commonalities come together, from home to work to society at large. Building community with people is foundational but can be challenging to achieve, even amongst individuals who know each other well. We have all likely encountered some aspect of this within our families or other close associations. Oftentimes within shared spaces, individuals can have differing ideas or opinions, which can lead to conflicts, and at times, separation. If the latter is necessary, this doesn’t have to be negative per se, especially if it supports those involved. If done well, all should feel respected, heard/considered, and that they have a mutual understanding of plans moving forward. Instead, what can happen is people are subjected to miscommunication, blame, criticism, hostility, and/or are ultimately “written off” by the other. While all of these experiences are important areas of concern, this content focuses on the latter. The idiom “to write someone off” means to no longer consider someone of value or to dismiss someone that has been deemed to be a failure, often following an instance or instances of them not living up to someone else’s expectations, which may or may not have even been communicated in the first place. It’s never good when relationships come to this but it’s a far more common practice than we may realize.

Underlying Issues

There are a number of reasons why conflicts arise between members within communities. There may be underlying issues with self-esteem, an overwhelming reliance or dependency of one on the other, unaddressed anger, undesirable control or manipulation, and/or unreasonable expectations of one another, to name some possibilities. If either or other conflicts persist, it may be an appropriate decision to part ways with someone. This could also be the case for a larger group or organization. Unhealthy behaviors expressed by one party, or both, can cause distress or harm and ultimately detract from the purpose at hand. The person or persons exhibiting unhealthy behaviors may not even be aware of any issues or, if aware, struggle to do things differently, and it takes decisive decision-making, and courage, on the part of one or both to acknowledge that there is a problem and that they want change. If there is a lack of self-awareness or understanding amongst the group, this could be confusing and hurtful to learn. Yet, it’s just as necessary to go through as it could provide an opportunity for growth for all. 

Knowing the Difference 

On the other hand, a misunderstanding within communities that causes an unfortunate, and at times unnecessary, conflict is the belief that to be unified you have to agree on everything. There may be foundational ideas that unite individuals, say a company’s mission, vision, and core values, but disagreements on the goals focused on or methods used to achieve objectives that separate them. Then there may be personal differences between individuals — what someone likes vs doesn’t. 

If there are differences in foundational beliefs, conflicts can arise. Thus, it’s important to evaluate how one aligns or not personally and professionally with others or a larger system. However, it would be beneficial to separate this from differences of opinion on matters that have no true bearing on anyone personally or the overall objective, or which could be improved through training or mentoring. We are all unique, bringing varying perspectives, convictions, and skills/abilities to the table. It’s imperative that we learn how to navigate these differences in a way that supports others and fulfills the greater purpose. As previously noted, if necessary, separation doesn’t have to be negative if done well and ultimately contributes to the tasks at hand and the health/wellbeing of others. But, writing someone off for reasons that are unclear or that are unjustifiable only perpetuates underlying issues and causes greater challenges.

Healthy Messaging

It’s always helpful to consider the messaging behind words and actions. In the case of “writing someone off,” this communicates an unwillingness to navigate conflicts while embracing the value that people can offer. An “all or nothing” mentality can be restrictive, if not controlling and manipulative. (However, this is different from being held accountable for fulfilling reasonable expectations, say for maintaining a role or position.) 

Working through conflicts when it’s possible to do so is a major component of building community and communicates openness, patience, and support, one to another. See some tips on avoiding writing people off at work and other considerations for leaders. 

How do you navigate conflicts with others? What are your thoughts about writing someone off? How can you show support to others with whom you share interests or goals? 

I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect or receive support, have questions, or are interested in partnering. 

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