Difficult Conversations
Although we’d prefer to avoid it, we’re all bound to experience difficult conversations at some time or another. It’s an area that can bring a degree of anxiety and concern. However, it can be what stands between us and significant change or positive growth for ourselves and others, personally and/or organizationally. The goal is to navigate difficult conversations effectively/well toward achieving successful outcomes.
What makes a conversation difficult? According to Merriam-Webster, something that is difficult is 1. hard to do, make, or carry out or 2. hard to deal with, manage, or overcome. Both descriptions speak to the challenges that are faced by the sharer and receiver of these types of conversations. On the other hand, the sharer is more likely to experience challenges in carrying out the conversation, as well as managing the outcome of it. Thus, the primary focus of this writing is difficult conversations for the sharer.
In following the question of what makes conversations difficult, we might find that conversations are considered more or less difficult based on our perceptions or beliefs. Oftentimes, we’re uncertain how others will respond to what we have to share. It’s possible that the topic could come as a surprise to them or potentially be received negatively. But, difficult, or hard, conversations don’t have to be.
Motivations for Sharing
Information might be shared with others for a number of reasons, but topics that can be more difficult than others can include issues related to:
Areas for improvement, say in work performance.
Unhealthy behaviors that have negatively impacted someone or others.
Keeping someone or others accountable/responsible for their words/actions.
Other areas of concern, as they pertain to work or life.
What someone shares might depend on their relationship with the receiver, whether they are a supervisor/manager for a person on their team, a family member who has authority in the life of another, a teacher or mentor, peer/friend, and/or person of influence within a community. Additionally, the information shared will depend on the nature of the task at hand.
Learned Experiences
While it’s challenging to be the initiator of difficult conversations, we’ve all likely experienced what it’s like to be on the receiving end and can use this as a guide for how we might carry out difficult conversations with others. Consider:
What went well when others shared hard topics with you?
How did they approach you?
What feedback did they share?
How did it impact you?
Did what they share lead to growth or change?
If what they shared did not go well, it negatively impacted you, or you can answer no to the last question above, what would you have done differently if it was you sharing? The answer to this question can also be challenging to answer. As mentioned earlier, our perceptions or beliefs about a conversation being difficult can limit us in sharing or prevent us from sharing at all. The same can be applied when we’re receiving information. We may not be as open to hearing what someone has to share, lack insight or awareness into the issue or need presented, or become easily offended. This is extremely important to note. Sometimes it takes having some time away from a situation, counsel from others, or ultimately personal growth, insight, or awareness to understand the benefits to or value of what was being shared. There are times when information may be hard to hear because it highlights our weaknesses or the areas where we can grow. This isn’t bad necessarily, as it’s something we all have to go through. We are all growing in different ways and at different levels. What’s important is how we navigate those situations. Again, our experiences can be helpful lessons for us in supporting others.
Creating Value
As a leader, or someone who influences others, the best that we can do is create value through our words and actions. Sharing difficult conversations can no doubt be hard. Not only might you have to share something that could cause pain, either because it’s hard to hear or receive or it requires some type of change or a decision on another’s part, but you must be in a position to share information well. In the prior writing on leadership, the topic of whole leadership was highlighted. Leading well includes being aware of oneself and others, intentional, thoughtful, responsible, and accountable. Additionally, one must be courageous and bold. Not everyone will feel comfortable bringing up some topics, but it doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be. Change is often a result of problems or issues that arise. It can simply be the catalyst that’s needed for better outcomes. Lastly, and most importantly, it makes all the difference when what you share is out of a desire to help others grow.
What have your experiences been with sharing or receiving difficult information? How can you grow in this area? This writing provides a high-level overview of leadership and healthy messages. To explore these and other topics more, please view current and upcoming writings, and feel free to share a comment. Please note that the next set of writings will be shared in September/October 2024 to allow time for writing and ongoing business development. Keep a look out for brief videos on various topics in the meantime.
Request a free consultation to get started with services and reach out if interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ provides professional consulting services for the growth and positive change of individuals, leaders, and organizations within areas of service. Whether you’re a professional seeking to develop new skills, a leader or business owner wanting to see positive change across systems, or someone in need of direct writing support or a partner to simply walk with and advise along the journey, there are many ways to create healthy messages. Learn more about Healthy Messages™’ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Leadership and Healthy Messages
Leaders play a special role in the lives of others. Think of some of the most influential leaders you’ve encountered in your life. There are a number of skills and qualities they could have possessed that appealed to you, whether they were fearless, experts in their field, great communicators, or immensely selfless, among other attributes. One thing is for sure — they made a positive impact, one that left a lasting impression and/or contributed to growth and change.
The Faces of Leadership
Leadership, according to Merriam-Webster, is defined as the office or position of a leader; the capacity to lead; or the act or an instance of leading. This shows the width and breadth of leadership, whether one is filling a formal leadership role or taking the initiative to lead at home, work, or within their community. Some of the most influential leaders that might come to mind were not tasked to lead but felt compelled to in order to address an issue or meet a need. It’s important to not discredit the influence we can all have in our lives and work every day. Maybe this is you. Or perhaps you don’t see how you influence others at all. Consider your “sphere of influence,” personally and professionally, and the areas where you can make a positive contribution or effect change.
Challenges and Misuses or Abuses of Power
In addition to the leaders we remember fondly, we’ve all likely encountered leaders who, unfortunately, have stood out for not-so-good reasons. There are individuals who might serve in a leadership role due to their knowledge of a certain area, even “seniority,” but lack some of the skills and/or qualities that would make them better leaders. Some of these leaders are largely not good at working with people, and exhibit negative behaviors, such as placing blame or pointing the finger, being overly critical or putting others down, miscommunicating, and/or abusing their power, to name a few.
Oftentimes, we lack awareness of the power or influence we can have on others. Whether providing pertinent information to a group of people, giving someone advice on how to handle an issue, or posting a message on social media, it’s important to think about the impact it might have on others. This isn’t to say that one should be so cautious that they end up not sharing what might be necessary. On the other hand, within the larger society where it’s easy to share information, including potentially thoughtless or inconsiderate opinions and criticism, and just as easy to be criticized for doing the opposite, it’s crucial to keep the tenets of healthy messaging in mind. A healthy message 1. serves an intended purpose, fosters growth, and/or brings about positive change, for yourself and others, and 2. is clear and consistent, aligned with values and goals, and contributes to organizational objectives, if applicable.
Key Leadership Skills
In whatever capacity you lead or influence others, it’s always worthwhile to develop or refine skills that improve your impact. The International Institue for Management Development (IMD) noted eight key leadership skills you need to know in 2024, including:
Relationship building — the foundation of a high-performing team.
Agility and adaptability — staying at the cutting edge as a leader.
Innovation and creativity — learning to push your boundaries.
Employee motivation — improving engagement and efficiency.
Decision-making — leading with conviction.
Conflict management — keeping the peace.
Negotiation — winning the game.
Critical thinking — understanding the links between ideas.
Do you consider yourself a leader, and if so, what makes your leadership or influence beneficial to others? If you don’t consider yourself a leader or question your influence on others, why is that? This writing provides a high-level overview of leadership and healthy messages. To explore these and other topics more, please view current and upcoming writings, and feel free to share a comment. Request a free consultation to get started with services and reach out if interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ provides professional consulting services for the growth and positive change of individuals, leaders, and organizations around areas of service. Whether you’re a professional seeking to develop new skills, a leader or business owner wanting to see positive change across systems, or either in need of direct writing support or a partner to simply walk with and advise you along the journey, there are many ways to create healthy messages. Learn more about Healthy Messages™’ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Building Community: Navigating Conflicts
Community can be defined as a unified body of individuals — individuals who possess similar interests or seek to achieve a shared goal or vision. Not just what one experiences within a particular group or place, community takes place wherever people with commonalities come together, from home to work to society at large. Building community with people is foundational but can be challenging to achieve, even amongst individuals who know each other well. We have all likely encountered some aspect of this within our families or other close associations. Oftentimes within shared spaces, individuals can have differing ideas or opinions, which can lead to conflicts, and at times, separation. If the latter is necessary, this doesn’t have to be negative per se, especially if it supports those involved. If done well, all should feel respected, heard/considered, and that they have a mutual understanding of plans moving forward. Instead, what can happen is people are subjected to miscommunication, blame, criticism, hostility, and/or are ultimately “written off” by the other. While all of these experiences are important areas of concern, this content focuses on the latter. The idiom “to write someone off” means to no longer consider someone of value or to dismiss someone that has been deemed to be a failure, often following an instance or instances of them not living up to someone else’s expectations, which may or may not have even been communicated in the first place. It’s never good when relationships come to this but it’s a far more common practice than we may realize.
Underlying Issues
There are a number of reasons why conflicts arise between members within communities. There may be underlying issues with self-esteem, an overwhelming reliance or dependency of one on the other, unaddressed anger, undesirable control or manipulation, and/or unreasonable expectations of one another, to name some possibilities. If either or other conflicts persist, it may be an appropriate decision to part ways with someone. This could also be the case for a larger group or organization. Unhealthy behaviors expressed by one party, or both, can cause distress or harm and ultimately detract from the purpose at hand. The person or persons exhibiting unhealthy behaviors may not even be aware of any issues or, if aware, struggle to do things differently, and it takes decisive decision-making, and courage, on the part of one or both to acknowledge that there is a problem and that they want change. If there is a lack of self-awareness or understanding amongst the group, this could be confusing and hurtful to learn. Yet, it’s just as necessary to go through as it could provide an opportunity for growth for all.
Knowing the Difference
On the other hand, a misunderstanding within communities that causes an unfortunate, and at times unnecessary, conflict is the belief that to be unified you have to agree on everything. There may be foundational ideas that unite individuals, say a company’s mission, vision, and core values, but disagreements on the goals focused on or methods used to achieve objectives that separate them. Then there may be personal differences between individuals — what someone likes vs doesn’t.
If there are differences in foundational beliefs, conflicts can arise. Thus, it’s important to evaluate how one aligns or not personally and professionally with others or a larger system. However, it would be beneficial to separate this from differences of opinion on matters that have no true bearing on anyone personally or the overall objective, or which could be improved through training or mentoring. We are all unique, bringing varying perspectives, convictions, and skills/abilities to the table. It’s imperative that we learn how to navigate these differences in a way that supports others and fulfills the greater purpose. As previously noted, if necessary, separation doesn’t have to be negative if done well and ultimately contributes to the tasks at hand and the health/wellbeing of others. But, writing someone off for reasons that are unclear or that are unjustifiable only perpetuates underlying issues and causes greater challenges.
Healthy Messaging
It’s always helpful to consider the messaging behind words and actions. In the case of “writing someone off,” this communicates an unwillingness to navigate conflicts while embracing the value that people can offer. An “all or nothing” mentality can be restrictive, if not controlling and manipulative. (However, this is different from being held accountable for fulfilling reasonable expectations, say for maintaining a role or position.)
Working through conflicts when it’s possible to do so is a major component of building community and communicates openness, patience, and support, one to another. See some tips on avoiding writing people off at work and other considerations for leaders.
How do you navigate conflicts with others? What are your thoughts about writing someone off? How can you show support to others with whom you share interests or goals?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect or receive support, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.