Confrontation in Communication
It’s natural for people to want to avoid confrontation in communication. Most people would prefer not to have to bring up things that are difficult to share with others. And not many like to be on the receiving end of hard things shared, especially if it is an unpleasant experience for the receiver. Then there are times when conversations turn confrontational as a result of misunderstandings or misperceptions of the sharer and/or receiver. In any case, there is a time and a place for confrontation. If approached in effective, healthy ways, confrontation can serve as an opportunity for ongoing growth and change.
Unhealthy confrontation
As noted, confrontation typically involves two parties: the initiator of the confrontation and the receiver. Responsibility for how conversations go lie on both. Each must identify/understand:
the purpose in sharing, whether initiating or responding;
the outcome desired;
how information might best be received by the other;
what emotions are involved; and
the relationship shared between parties.
Confrontation typically goes wrong when there is a lack of thoughtfulness or consideration for the points above. Often when people are upset about something, the conversation is about this and surrounded by negative emotions. One should not deny their true feelings (research has shown that repressing emotions can negatively impact physical and mental health and general well-being). However, emotions should not dictate the conversation. When this happens, conversations become one-sided - it’s all about what the sharer wants or needs. And when approached in this way, it is harder to stay purposeful and intentional; you lose the bigger picture (the overall outcome or objective for the relationship as a whole). Additionally, being harsh, critical, demeaning, and/or disrespectful, raising one’s voice, and having an overall poor attitude make the conversation unhealthy, toxic, and dysfunctional. You can only natural for the receiver to become hurt/offended, defensive, and/or withdrawn. It can take a lot more for the receiver to separate negative emotions or comments to hear the heart of the message. It’s possible to work through, and may be necessary depending on the task at hand, but this should not be the expectation. If this is an aspect of work culture, for instance, over time this will wear on the morale of team members as well as fracture relationships. If you’re a leader, you should be especially watchful of and guard against this happening by you and other team members. Unfortunately, this can happen even more where there are abuses of power and a lack of accountability.
On the other extreme, people don’t bring up difficult conversations at all in order to avoid conflict. People might respond in passive-aggressive ways. Merriam-Webster defines passive-aggressive as being marked by or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness). In other words, someone’s feelings may be shown in a physical way but otherwise not communicated directly. This could be represented by asking questions or making comments without saying exactly what they mean. Or they might express their feelings/frustrations about someone else with other peers or coworkers but never the person directly, and the person may never even know there is an issue. I’d like to differentiate this behavior from seeking counsel from trusted individuals about issues before addressing them with the person in question or where it may be more harmful than helpful to discuss the matter with the person alone, in which case, a group meeting with the person and trusted counselor(s) or mentor(s) present could be warranted as well as wise, particularly if the person in question exhibits aggression or inappropriate communication, lacks character (honesty), and/or requires additional accountability. A trusted individual should possess great integrity and character and be able to weigh matters in an objective, unbiased way. If you’re a trusted individual, you play an important role in providing needed support, for the person in question and especially for the person who is asking for help. You could make the difference in helping to resolve the conflict and/or ensuring that the message that needs to be shared does, and comes across clearly.
Facilitating growth and change
Confrontation does not, and really should not, have a negative connotation. The issues previously noted have sadly contributed to this. Conflict is an inevitable aspect of working with others in a team. We should not be afraid of or try to avoid conflict. Additionally, we need the perspective of others on areas that can be improved. Consider positive changes you’ve witnessed or been a part of. They likely all started with a problem and those who were willing to be a part of the solution. We need more people who are willing to speak up about issues, and to do so in effective, healthy ways. If handled appropriately, confrontation can be helpful for facilitating growth and change, both in the lives of people personally (if a mentor/teacher) and corporately/systemically (if a change agent).
Are you fearful of confrontation? In what ways can you speak up in more effective, healthy ways? How can you become a part of the solution and facilitate growth and change?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Shifting Perspectives of Influence in Leadership
When you think of leadership, what comes to mind? Perhaps you think of people who possess a formal leadership title/role. Oftentimes, we think of leaders as individuals who have a level of, or complete, authority over particular persons or tasks. In turn, we might exclude ourselves from leadership, especially if we are not “in charge”. Or maybe you do consider yourself to be a leader because you have some type of responsibility and/or accountability for others. Whatever position you might find yourself in, it’s important to be aware of your influence, because you have it! Yet, often we misuse (or even abuse) it or don’t use it to our fullest potential.
What does it mean to influence?
When we think of influence today, we might automatically think about someone considered to be an “influencer”, one who has a platform on social media and has amassed a large number of followers. When I think of influence, I think of having an intentional, positive impact. Today, unfortunately not everything we see and hear has a positive influence, let alone significant purpose. According to Merriam-Webster, influence is defined as the power or capacity of causing an effect in indirect or intangible ways; the act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command; one that exerts influence; or an emanation of spiritual or moral influence. This could refer to something positive or negative. For the purpose of this writing, I am advocating for the former. On one hand, for me the definition brings out an important, yet often overlooked, aspect of leadership - “producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command”. In other words, without requiring a lot of effort. We often associate leadership with power that is forceful and/or commanding. Yet, influence is largely about action or power in the absence of such purely based on the value that is being offered. This changes how we might think of influence and leadership. In my own experiences, I’ve felt most disappointed by the excess of control that can be exercised in leadership. In these cases, I think we miss the most important opportunities we have to positively influence others. Leading isn’t always about having people follow you in the sense of doing what you say. It’s as much, if not more, about setting an example that people feel would benefit them in their own lives, in addition to helping them to apply it, which could involve providing guidance or counsel. Overall, it’s about supporting and serving others. This brings up the part of the definition that I would challenge - causing an effect not only in indirect and intangible ways, but in very much direct and tangible or intentional ways. Think of those who have had a powerful impact on your life. What made what they said or did meaningful to you or brought about an intended outcome? In their book The Way of the Shepherd: Seven Secrets to Managing Productive People, Dr. Kevin Leman and Bill Pentak wrote, “What makes a shepherd a shepherd isn’t the staff or the rod; it’s the heart. What distinguishes a great leader from a mediocre one is that a great leader has a heart for his people.”
Have you considered your influence on others?
Formal and informal leaders alike might miss out on the ways they can positively and intentionally influence the people around them. Formal leaders because they confine themselves to certain expectations that their roles dictate and/or misuse or abuse their authority within and outside of their roles. And informal leaders because they doubt that they have any influence over others or any authority to make a positive change for themselves and others. And if you’re not sure how you can positively influence those around you, start by looking at the value that you bring to your family, friends, and peers. What might you do every day without thinking about it that serves, helps, or provides support to others? What passion and/or idea do you possess that could make a significant difference in someone else’s life?
I always appreciate seeing leaders who are willing to step back and let others contribute or lead, especially when it’s an area that others can influence or contribute to. Or maybe they have input or ideas that would greatly enrich the team or organization. To me, great leaders recognize their own influence in creating a culture that is open to growing or building up others and seek to facilitate this development, whether those individuals serve formally or not. Additionally, leaders show great strength and humility when they are able to defer to others’ knowledge or skills. In the book previously referenced, Leman and Pentak noted, “Your people are your greatest competitive advantage. Managers will say they agree with that, but often they merely give lip service to the idea…You need to discover their skills and interests…their goals and dreams, what motivates them…what their career ambitions and frustrations are.”
Effecting change starts with recognizing the value that you and others around you have. Growth involves building on the strengths of others while removing and guarding against the barriers and obstacles that prevent true change.
Are you aware of your influence? What message do you convey to others about their value and worth? As a leader or “influencer” (referring to the definition outlined in this writing), how do you serve others? How can you make a positive impact in the lives of others both effortlessly and with great intention?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Building Character
Building character is one of the most important areas of growth in personal and professional development, if not the most important. Skills, passions, and dreams/visions are major components of the work that people do. However, character demonstrates what people are really made of, and reflects one’s integrity and maturity. In this context, Merriam-Webster defines character as “moral excellence and firmness”. To me, this is what truly sets people apart as great.
Maybe there are people who you might not have known very well but admired aspects of their lives and work. Then once you got the chance to get to know them better you became disappointed that they weren’t who you thought they were. The missing component was likely character. In my own experiences, what has been most disheartening to see with people who I respect for the work that they do is their attitude about or lack of responsibility and ownership when things don’t go how they want them to or think they should. There could be misunderstandings about expectations, some or all of which were miscommunicated or not communicated at all to begin with. Or there could be misjudgments about a situation, and unwillingness to be open to learning what may not be obvious. How people work through dialogue involving these and other situations involving responsibility and ownership is telling. Do people acknowledge their part to play when things go wrong? Do they point the finger and place blame? Are they able to identify what went well or other positives? Are they willing to gain understanding about what they do not know?
Personally, I’ve been most appreciative of opportunities to speak with people who are great at what they do and can acknowledge their own faults. My respect for and trust in them only increases. I have also found the times that I’ve had to own my mistakes, even in matters that were outside of my control, to be extremely humbling and strengthening.
Attitudes about struggles in general are also important in demonstrating character. It can certainly be hard to maintain a positive attitude when things are not going well. While one may feel upset, being able to remain calm, open to solutions, and hopeful, is significant. Overall, it’s helpful to discern purpose and direction in the midst of challenges - if something needs to be changed or rethought entirely, and how one can grow in an area.
Consider how you respond in challenging or difficult times. How can you build character when faced with adversity? What is your attitude about responsibility and ownership? How do you remain positive or open to change?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.