Confrontation in Communication
It’s natural for people to want to avoid confrontation in communication. Most people would prefer not to have to bring up things that are difficult to share with others. And not many like to be on the receiving end of hard things shared, especially if it is an unpleasant experience for the receiver. Then there are times when conversations turn confrontational as a result of misunderstandings or misperceptions of the sharer and/or receiver. In any case, there is a time and a place for confrontation. If approached in effective, healthy ways, confrontation can serve as an opportunity for ongoing growth and change.
Unhealthy confrontation
As noted, confrontation typically involves two parties: the initiator of the confrontation and the receiver. Responsibility for how conversations go lie on both. Each must identify/understand:
the purpose in sharing, whether initiating or responding;
the outcome desired;
how information might best be received by the other;
what emotions are involved; and
the relationship shared between parties.
Confrontation typically goes wrong when there is a lack of thoughtfulness or consideration for the points above. Often when people are upset about something, the conversation is about this and surrounded by negative emotions. One should not deny their true feelings (research has shown that repressing emotions can negatively impact physical and mental health and general well-being). However, emotions should not dictate the conversation. When this happens, conversations become one-sided - it’s all about what the sharer wants or needs. And when approached in this way, it is harder to stay purposeful and intentional; you lose the bigger picture (the overall outcome or objective for the relationship as a whole). Additionally, being harsh, critical, demeaning, and/or disrespectful, raising one’s voice, and having an overall poor attitude make the conversation unhealthy, toxic, and dysfunctional. You can only natural for the receiver to become hurt/offended, defensive, and/or withdrawn. It can take a lot more for the receiver to separate negative emotions or comments to hear the heart of the message. It’s possible to work through, and may be necessary depending on the task at hand, but this should not be the expectation. If this is an aspect of work culture, for instance, over time this will wear on the morale of team members as well as fracture relationships. If you’re a leader, you should be especially watchful of and guard against this happening by you and other team members. Unfortunately, this can happen even more where there are abuses of power and a lack of accountability.
On the other extreme, people don’t bring up difficult conversations at all in order to avoid conflict. People might respond in passive-aggressive ways. Merriam-Webster defines passive-aggressive as being marked by or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness). In other words, someone’s feelings may be shown in a physical way but otherwise not communicated directly. This could be represented by asking questions or making comments without saying exactly what they mean. Or they might express their feelings/frustrations about someone else with other peers or coworkers but never the person directly, and the person may never even know there is an issue. I’d like to differentiate this behavior from seeking counsel from trusted individuals about issues before addressing them with the person in question or where it may be more harmful than helpful to discuss the matter with the person alone, in which case, a group meeting with the person and trusted counselor(s) or mentor(s) present could be warranted as well as wise, particularly if the person in question exhibits aggression or inappropriate communication, lacks character (honesty), and/or requires additional accountability. A trusted individual should possess great integrity and character and be able to weigh matters in an objective, unbiased way. If you’re a trusted individual, you play an important role in providing needed support, for the person in question and especially for the person who is asking for help. You could make the difference in helping to resolve the conflict and/or ensuring that the message that needs to be shared does, and comes across clearly.
Facilitating growth and change
Confrontation does not, and really should not, have a negative connotation. The issues previously noted have sadly contributed to this. Conflict is an inevitable aspect of working with others in a team. We should not be afraid of or try to avoid conflict. Additionally, we need the perspective of others on areas that can be improved. Consider positive changes you’ve witnessed or been a part of. They likely all started with a problem and those who were willing to be a part of the solution. We need more people who are willing to speak up about issues, and to do so in effective, healthy ways. If handled appropriately, confrontation can be helpful for facilitating growth and change, both in the lives of people personally (if a mentor/teacher) and corporately/systemically (if a change agent).
Are you fearful of confrontation? In what ways can you speak up in more effective, healthy ways? How can you become a part of the solution and facilitate growth and change?
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