Difficult Conversations
Although we’d prefer to avoid it, we’re all bound to experience difficult conversations at some time or another. It’s an area that can bring a degree of anxiety and concern. However, it can be what stands between us and significant change or positive growth for ourselves and others, personally and/or organizationally. The goal is to navigate difficult conversations effectively/well toward achieving successful outcomes.
What makes a conversation difficult? According to Merriam-Webster, something that is difficult is 1. hard to do, make, or carry out or 2. hard to deal with, manage, or overcome. Both descriptions speak to the challenges that are faced by the sharer and receiver of these types of conversations. On the other hand, the sharer is more likely to experience challenges in carrying out the conversation, as well as managing the outcome of it. Thus, the primary focus of this writing is difficult conversations for the sharer.
In following the question of what makes conversations difficult, we might find that conversations are considered more or less difficult based on our perceptions or beliefs. Oftentimes, we’re uncertain how others will respond to what we have to share. It’s possible that the topic could come as a surprise to them or potentially be received negatively. But, difficult, or hard, conversations don’t have to be.
Motivations for Sharing
Information might be shared with others for a number of reasons, but topics that can be more difficult than others can include issues related to:
Areas for improvement, say in work performance.
Unhealthy behaviors that have negatively impacted someone or others.
Keeping someone or others accountable/responsible for their words/actions.
Other areas of concern, as they pertain to work or life.
What someone shares might depend on their relationship with the receiver, whether they are a supervisor/manager for a person on their team, a family member who has authority in the life of another, a teacher or mentor, peer/friend, and/or person of influence within a community. Additionally, the information shared will depend on the nature of the task at hand.
Learned Experiences
While it’s challenging to be the initiator of difficult conversations, we’ve all likely experienced what it’s like to be on the receiving end and can use this as a guide for how we might carry out difficult conversations with others. Consider:
What went well when others shared hard topics with you?
How did they approach you?
What feedback did they share?
How did it impact you?
Did what they share lead to growth or change?
If what they shared did not go well, it negatively impacted you, or you can answer no to the last question above, what would you have done differently if it was you sharing? The answer to this question can also be challenging to answer. As mentioned earlier, our perceptions or beliefs about a conversation being difficult can limit us in sharing or prevent us from sharing at all. The same can be applied when we’re receiving information. We may not be as open to hearing what someone has to share, lack insight or awareness into the issue or need presented, or become easily offended. This is extremely important to note. Sometimes it takes having some time away from a situation, counsel from others, or ultimately personal growth, insight, or awareness to understand the benefits to or value of what was being shared. There are times when information may be hard to hear because it highlights our weaknesses or the areas where we can grow. This isn’t bad necessarily, as it’s something we all have to go through. We are all growing in different ways and at different levels. What’s important is how we navigate those situations. Again, our experiences can be helpful lessons for us in supporting others.
Creating Value
As a leader, or someone who influences others, the best that we can do is create value through our words and actions. Sharing difficult conversations can no doubt be hard. Not only might you have to share something that could cause pain, either because it’s hard to hear or receive or it requires some type of change or a decision on another’s part, but you must be in a position to share information well. In the prior writing on leadership, the topic of whole leadership was highlighted. Leading well includes being aware of oneself and others, intentional, thoughtful, responsible, and accountable. Additionally, one must be courageous and bold. Not everyone will feel comfortable bringing up some topics, but it doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be. Change is often a result of problems or issues that arise. It can simply be the catalyst that’s needed for better outcomes. Lastly, and most importantly, it makes all the difference when what you share is out of a desire to help others grow.
What have your experiences been with sharing or receiving difficult information? How can you grow in this area? This writing provides a high-level overview of leadership and healthy messages. To explore these and other topics more, please view current and upcoming writings, and feel free to share a comment. Please note that the next set of writings will be shared in September/October 2024 to allow time for writing and ongoing business development. Keep a look out for brief videos on various topics in the meantime.
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Healthy Messages™ provides professional consulting services for the growth and positive change of individuals, leaders, and organizations within areas of service. Whether you’re a professional seeking to develop new skills, a leader or business owner wanting to see positive change across systems, or someone in need of direct writing support or a partner to simply walk with and advise along the journey, there are many ways to create healthy messages. Learn more about Healthy Messages™’ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Effective Self-disclosure
Self-disclosure seems clear enough — one’s disclosure about themselves. However, self-disclosure involves a lot more consideration than what might be perceived — what should someone disclose, and when, and how does one self-disclose effectively? In today’s age of sharing what one thinks, does, or believes on a regular basis online, the art and science behind self-disclosure might not readily come to mind.
What is self-disclosure?
According to the Berkley Well-Being Institute, self-disclosure “is an aspect of communication that involves intentionally sharing personal information about ourselves with another person — information that others generally could not know without us sharing it.”
Why self-disclose?
Sharing about ourselves is a way for us to connect with others. The extent of what we share, however, could depend on the relationship and also help shape those relationships. For instance, we might share something less personal, say an interest we have, with someone we’re just getting to know but more personal (i.e., something we’re struggling with) with a close friend, family member, or mentor who we’ve grown to trust.
How much should someone self-disclose?
While it’s important to open up with others we want to get to know, and they us, we also want to keep in mind that self-disclosure is incremental in effective interpersonal relationships. Over-disclosing, and often, can be overwhelming or burdensome for the listener. The goal is to share the right amount of information. This speaks to the intention or purpose one has for sharing.
The bottom line
Overall, self-disclosure helps individuals form close, intimate social connections. There are also mental and physical health benefits of talking with others. It has been found that repressing emotions can have adverse health effects. Thus, being able to share information with individuals who will have a positive response to what is shared can be extremely impactful. And if we’re a listener, we want to be mindful of the significant role that we can play in supporting others in their sharing. Ultimately, we want to be someone that people can trust/confide in and respect.
The key to effective self-disclosure is sharing information intentionally.
Be other-centered when you disclose. Consider how what you share will affect the other person; don’t disclose just for the sake of disclosing.
Remember self-disclosure is incremental in effective interpersonal relationships. Be careful not to reveal too much too soon.
Decrease self-disclosure if you’re talking to someone and they are not reciprocating/responding.
Share stories, versus history, to invite the listener in/to respond.
What are your thoughts about self-disclosure? How comfortable are you with sharing about yourself with others? Are you someone that people feel safe disclosing information to?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect or receive support, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Your Best Work
Over the years I have found that my best work involves great struggles and challenges. One might read this and think this is hard to believe or understand, but it’s true. In some cases, it has been a sad truth but in every case it has been meaningful and purposeful. Working with others, particularly individuals who may struggle with various mental health disorders, especially personality disorders, can be a feat in itself, but working with organizations that perpetuate unhealthy behaviors can be a greater task, even insurmountable at times. Yet, these are the conditions that have produced my best work.
In pursuing my professional goals, I knew early on (between completing undergraduate and graduate studies) that I wanted to work in leadership and organizational behavior. What I did not know was the trials that faced me in the areas of work I held dear. I’ve observed unhealthy communication amongst staff, minimal to no support in leadership, and antagonistic behaviors, including hostile, retaliatory, and punitive actions, on all organizational levels. Yet, the most toxic work environments I have been in have provided me with the opportunity to do what I do best - model clear and consistent communication, advocate for positive professional and organizational growth and change, make recommendations for process improvements and ethical decision-making, and implement strategies to achieve outcomes. As well, my experiences affirmed my personal and professional calling/purpose and developed my strengths as a leader and professional. Most of all, I found the resolve to stay true to myself and what I believed was right. It taught me to never give up. The courage and tenacity I knew that I had was etched into my very being (there are times when you are faced with the opportunity to not just know something but to know it so much so that no one or nothing can take it from you).
For me, how diamonds are formed comes to mind, which you may be familiar with too. Their development requires intense pressure and heat. True to my experiences, many times I have felt like I have been in the fire. The struggles have been real and profound. At the same time, I know I was built for and have been prepared for them. Think about your experiences. You too possess a unique set of strengths and abilities and require a unique set of conditions that will produce the best that you have to offer. Consider these questions:
What is your best work?
Do you find that there are times when you do your best work?
What conditions - environments, circumstances, and situations, support you in doing your best work?
It may take time to understand what you thrive in and where, and that’s ok. We are all continuing to grow and learn. If you’re not quite sure, consider what you’re passionate about (if you could do anything, what would it be?) and what you do well. And when you know more, or if you do currently, let your light shine brightly. Get connected with others of like mind and heart. Continue to grow and most of all, pursue your best work.
I would love to hear more about your best work.
Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.