Building Community: Navigating Conflicts
Community can be defined as a unified body of individuals — individuals who possess similar interests or seek to achieve a shared goal or vision. Not just what one experiences within a particular group or place, community takes place wherever people with commonalities come together, from home to work to society at large. Building community with people is foundational but can be challenging to achieve, even amongst individuals who know each other well. We have all likely encountered some aspect of this within our families or other close associations. Oftentimes within shared spaces, individuals can have differing ideas or opinions, which can lead to conflicts, and at times, separation. If the latter is necessary, this doesn’t have to be negative per se, especially if it supports those involved. If done well, all should feel respected, heard/considered, and that they have a mutual understanding of plans moving forward. Instead, what can happen is people are subjected to miscommunication, blame, criticism, hostility, and/or are ultimately “written off” by the other. While all of these experiences are important areas of concern, this content focuses on the latter. The idiom “to write someone off” means to no longer consider someone of value or to dismiss someone that has been deemed to be a failure, often following an instance or instances of them not living up to someone else’s expectations, which may or may not have even been communicated in the first place. It’s never good when relationships come to this but it’s a far more common practice than we may realize.
Underlying Issues
There are a number of reasons why conflicts arise between members within communities. There may be underlying issues with self-esteem, an overwhelming reliance or dependency of one on the other, unaddressed anger, undesirable control or manipulation, and/or unreasonable expectations of one another, to name some possibilities. If either or other conflicts persist, it may be an appropriate decision to part ways with someone. This could also be the case for a larger group or organization. Unhealthy behaviors expressed by one party, or both, can cause distress or harm and ultimately detract from the purpose at hand. The person or persons exhibiting unhealthy behaviors may not even be aware of any issues or, if aware, struggle to do things differently, and it takes decisive decision-making, and courage, on the part of one or both to acknowledge that there is a problem and that they want change. If there is a lack of self-awareness or understanding amongst the group, this could be confusing and hurtful to learn. Yet, it’s just as necessary to go through as it could provide an opportunity for growth for all.
Knowing the Difference
On the other hand, a misunderstanding within communities that causes an unfortunate, and at times unnecessary, conflict is the belief that to be unified you have to agree on everything. There may be foundational ideas that unite individuals, say a company’s mission, vision, and core values, but disagreements on the goals focused on or methods used to achieve objectives that separate them. Then there may be personal differences between individuals — what someone likes vs doesn’t.
If there are differences in foundational beliefs, conflicts can arise. Thus, it’s important to evaluate how one aligns or not personally and professionally with others or a larger system. However, it would be beneficial to separate this from differences of opinion on matters that have no true bearing on anyone personally or the overall objective, or which could be improved through training or mentoring. We are all unique, bringing varying perspectives, convictions, and skills/abilities to the table. It’s imperative that we learn how to navigate these differences in a way that supports others and fulfills the greater purpose. As previously noted, if necessary, separation doesn’t have to be negative if done well and ultimately contributes to the tasks at hand and the health/wellbeing of others. But, writing someone off for reasons that are unclear or that are unjustifiable only perpetuates underlying issues and causes greater challenges.
Healthy Messaging
It’s always helpful to consider the messaging behind words and actions. In the case of “writing someone off,” this communicates an unwillingness to navigate conflicts while embracing the value that people can offer. An “all or nothing” mentality can be restrictive, if not controlling and manipulative. (However, this is different from being held accountable for fulfilling reasonable expectations, say for maintaining a role or position.)
Working through conflicts when it’s possible to do so is a major component of building community and communicates openness, patience, and support, one to another. See some tips on avoiding writing people off at work and other considerations for leaders.
How do you navigate conflicts with others? What are your thoughts about writing someone off? How can you show support to others with whom you share interests or goals?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect or receive support, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Effective Self-disclosure
Self-disclosure seems clear enough — one’s disclosure about themselves. However, self-disclosure involves a lot more consideration than what might be perceived — what should someone disclose, and when, and how does one self-disclose effectively? In today’s age of sharing what one thinks, does, or believes on a regular basis online, the art and science behind self-disclosure might not readily come to mind.
What is self-disclosure?
According to the Berkley Well-Being Institute, self-disclosure “is an aspect of communication that involves intentionally sharing personal information about ourselves with another person — information that others generally could not know without us sharing it.”
Why self-disclose?
Sharing about ourselves is a way for us to connect with others. The extent of what we share, however, could depend on the relationship and also help shape those relationships. For instance, we might share something less personal, say an interest we have, with someone we’re just getting to know but more personal (i.e., something we’re struggling with) with a close friend, family member, or mentor who we’ve grown to trust.
How much should someone self-disclose?
While it’s important to open up with others we want to get to know, and they us, we also want to keep in mind that self-disclosure is incremental in effective interpersonal relationships. Over-disclosing, and often, can be overwhelming or burdensome for the listener. The goal is to share the right amount of information. This speaks to the intention or purpose one has for sharing.
The bottom line
Overall, self-disclosure helps individuals form close, intimate social connections. There are also mental and physical health benefits of talking with others. It has been found that repressing emotions can have adverse health effects. Thus, being able to share information with individuals who will have a positive response to what is shared can be extremely impactful. And if we’re a listener, we want to be mindful of the significant role that we can play in supporting others in their sharing. Ultimately, we want to be someone that people can trust/confide in and respect.
The key to effective self-disclosure is sharing information intentionally.
Be other-centered when you disclose. Consider how what you share will affect the other person; don’t disclose just for the sake of disclosing.
Remember self-disclosure is incremental in effective interpersonal relationships. Be careful not to reveal too much too soon.
Decrease self-disclosure if you’re talking to someone and they are not reciprocating/responding.
Share stories, versus history, to invite the listener in/to respond.
What are your thoughts about self-disclosure? How comfortable are you with sharing about yourself with others? Are you someone that people feel safe disclosing information to?
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect or receive support, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.
Communication Styles
Have you considered your communication “style”? This refers to “your way” of communicating or sharing information with others. For some, this might be consistent with their personality, a reflection of their values, a result of their upbringing or education, and/or specific to completing a particular task or achieving a certain goal or outcome. How one communicates might vary depending on multiple factors. Regarding communication in the workplace or working in any team, it’s important to be aware of your style of communicating and how you can communicate most effectively with others.
Main Styles of Communication
There are four main styles of communication that have been researched over the years. These include:
Passive Communication,
Aggressive Communication,
Passive-Aggressive Communication, and
Assertive Communication.
Passive Communication
Individuals who communicate passively might not express their feelings or needs, ignore their own rights, and defer to others to make decisions in order to avoid tension or conflict. One example is when someone says, “I’m okay with whatever you want to do.”
Passive communication can lead to misunderstandings, built-up anger, or resentment.
On the other hand, this approach might be helpful when needing to deescalate a situation.
Aggressive Communication
Someone who communicates aggressively might express feelings or needs at the expense of others (ignore the rights of others), alienate and hurt others, and become defensive or hostile when confronted.This style of communication can be characterized by raising one’s voice, blaming, being critical, or becoming physical, to name a few.
Aggressive communication could be helpful when someone needs to quickly stop a situation from becoming worse (when personal safety is threatened).
Passive-Aggressive Communication
A person who communicates passive-aggressively might express feelings or needs indirectly (appear passive on the surface but subtly act out anger) and exert control over others by using sarcasm or avoiding the conversation. Some examples include appearing passive but giving the “silent treatment”, spreading rumors about others, or sabotaging the efforts of others.
Assertive Communication
Assertive Communication is characterized by individuals’ utilization of direct, honest communication of feelings or needs (asserting their feelings or needs while respecting those of others). It’s important to not confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication. Examples of assertive communication include using “I” statements, making eye contact, having straight posture, and showing relaxed gestures.
Read more information about these communication styles and related resources.
In addition to the main four styles of communication previously noted, you might find other styles, such as direct, functional, or collaborative, relevant for you.
Implications for Leaders/Organizations
Whether in the workplace or working in any team, understanding communication styles is important for achieving effective communication. If you’re a leader, you also play an important role in supporting the growth and development of members of your team, as well as establishing standards for and modeling healthy communication and workplace culture. Effective communication can contribute to engagement, retention, and productivity, among other positive outcomes.
What is your communication “style”? Are you aware of how you can communicate most effectively with others?
Not sure about your communication style? Take a quiz!
I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a comment or reach out if you’d like to connect, have questions, or are interested in partnering.
Healthy Messages™ helps professionals, leaders, and business owners in human services improve, craft, and implement communication within and across systems.
Learn more about Healthy Messages™ mission, vision, and outcomes.